Searching and Finding

Dec. 5th, 2011, Author: S.B.

Shaw 1
Thinking back to that sermon in July, I cannot remember how it all began, but sometime
that Tuesday night the thought came in and began to take hold. As we were released from our seats I walked through the crowd of teenagers and youth pastors, searching. The thought had plagued my mind for days: You need to ask for help. I was on a mission to find someone I didn’t know? make that two people I didn’t know? who could fix that problem.
Before I found myself listening to that sermon, my parents had driven me to meet up with my youth group so we could embark on our week-long mission trip to Rock City Church. That church had been the place of a spiritual awakening for me the year before; but this summer I was at a loss to understand myself. My feelings were conflicted, my emotions tattered, and my sense of belonging fading. I was living each day in a state of confusion, feeling hollow and empty more often than not.

Starting in my freshman year of high school I began to lose every one of my close friends, some as a result of arguments, others I pushed away following a thread of belief that I did not deserve to have friends. I do not remember exactly when, but I reached a point when I decided I did not like myself anymore. From there my self-worth plummeted and I was lost. At that point I had never experienced a strong faith; I just piggy-backed off my parents’. Around the age of sixteen I realized something was wrong with my life. Without my knowing it, God slowly led me back to church. I began to get more involved in my youth group, but I still harbored feelings of emptiness and self-contempt. The notion of God loving me made no sense because I was unworthy in my own eyes.

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Shaw 2
While I was listening to that sermon in July, I decided I needed to take action or I would
always feel empty. I remembered the face of a girl I had seen around throughout the week but only met earlier that day. I feared talking to her, not because she was mean or threatening but because I simply felt a strong urge to ask her for help despite, not knowing her. This girl was a complete stranger and the idea of opening up to people had become a foreign concept to me.
Very few friends knew anything more than surface level information about me. However, when the sermon ended I arose from my seat and sought her out. Through the crowd I walked looking for the skinny, blonde girl with her hair braided off to the side.
She was at the back of the sanctuary talking to a friend. As I drew near thoughts raced
through my head. All saying the same thing: It’s not too late to walk away. I walked up to her, ignoring the thoughts telling me otherwise. I had come too far by then, and they would notice if I turned around now. Her friend walked away just as I got close enough to talk. “I’m sorry,” I said.
“I just have this weird feeling that I needed to come to you…and ask you for help.” That was all I managed to get out before I began to cry. This is even worse, I thought, hating the fact that I had made myself completely vulnerable to her. Without knowing what she might do next I began to try to get ahold of my emotions. I attempted to focus on anything but the current situation with no such luck. She reacted to my display of emotion by hugging me and telling me about something I could not concentrate on. My mind was too distracted by my vulnerability and insecurity I felt from the stares of people as they walked by.
After talking that night we had exchanged phone numbers and planned to talk when we
returned to our respective homes. It was only later that I found out that the annoying urge I had felt to ask for help was God speaking to me. The girl I opened up to, Tori, is the daughter of a pastor. Tori had grown up learning about journaling and discipleship as well as how to teach others. I had, by approaching her, taken the first step toward receiving a spiritual mentor.
Tori began to teach me about God and what it means to truly have a relationship with
Him. I had already mastered the art of going through the motions but, I met a huge obstacle though with developing an actual relationship. Journaling became a big part of my life; Tori had emphasized its importance saying, “It’s hard to see how God’s moving in your life if you can’t remember what you’ve asked for or what He’s done. Unless you write it down you will more than likely forget.” I began to see how accurate she was as time passed. When I started, she would have me journal the notes of sermons I heard, prayer requests I’d had, and bigger things like words or visions anyone had for me. Later on I began to write down prayers as I discovered it was an easier way for me to organize my thoughts.
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Shaw 3
It was not long after I met Tori that I began to grow spiritually. I was already saved and
baptized before we met, but I had never heard God speak to me. As a result, I felt pretty
discouraged. I did not understand why some people always heard Him and I never did. She kept telling me that I needed to listen; “God is always speaking to us if only we would listen.” It was ten days after I first talked to Tori that I heard God speak to me. What He told me changed my relationship with Him forever, but of course not in a way that I would have expected. He did not come down in the form of a burning bush, but in a quiet prayer.
I had had more issues with a friend, while I was at work one day and it began to really
put strain on me. Remembering what Tori had told me, I went somewhere I could be alone and I prayed about it; I simply asking God to never leave me. With my track record I was nervous to say the least. Whilst praying I heard a soft voice say to me “I won’t, for I love you.” Awe and wonder struck me first as I realized what had just happened. Then, pure joyous excitement overcame me. I had not been so joyful in a long time. From there, I began to really work on building a relationship with God that I would not push away as I had with my friends and most of my family. Even though the worries of that day faded away with the relief I felt from hearing God’s admission of love, self-contempt still had a hold on me.
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Shaw 4
My identity became a concept Tori and I focused on. Even now, I focus on my identity in
Christ because I have not fully discovered it. Learning to see myself not as the world sees me, but as God does is really difficult. Tori has been helping me to see that God does not define me, or anyone else, based on who I was or what I did in the past. She told me, “Once God has forgiven you, you’re His and He washes you clean of all impurities.” I have come to believe her, knowing that it is not my job to punish myself. I should not dislike something that God loves, such as myself. I do not know how I ever thought it was a good thing to do. Ideas like that, that came in and twisted my thinking, have been my major obstacles so far. Through opening up to Tori? someone who always builds me up in Christ? I see God through her, shining light on the
dark spots of my life.
From taking Tori’s advice about journaling I have been able to see that growth in myself.
I hated the idea of it, at first thinking I do not want to start a diary. However, journaling has not been keeping a diary; it has been a record of God’s presence in my life. I can look back through my past prayers and see which of them God has answered. I can focus my thoughts and see confirmation of decisions, like the choice I made in attending Regent University.
I cannot imagine where I would be had I not listened to God and received Tori as my
mentor. Nor can I count the numerous times I called her on the phone crying, wondering what was wrong with me and wondering how God could ever use me. Each and every time she was there to tell me that those lies from the enemy were just that, lies.
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Shaw 5
We maintain our relationship with phone calls once a week, a tradition that we began in
July. I know that God gave me a constant friend in Tori and more importantly in Him,
relationships I cannot push away. I know that in the future my relationship with Tori will grow and change, but she will always be there for me with God’s best in mind. Although He is far from done working with me on my self-concept, calling and spiritual gifts, I trust that He will finish the work that He has started in me. I learned from Tori that God’s timing does not always coincide with what I see to be the correct timing, but He will lead me to where I need to be.
Just as God led me back to church, and just as He placed the idea in my head to talk to
Tori, I know that He will continue to lead me in the correct direction, putting in the right place at the right time. When I got up from my seat after that sermon and walked through the crowd, it was not just Tori I was searching for; it was God.